my girlfriend reads smut. okay, and?
“my girlfriend is reading about dragons and fairy sex.”
oh, thank god. you are one lucky man.
if your girlfriend reads smut and you’re here wondering what to do about it, i have two pieces of advice.
- accept and encourage it.
- then pick up the book.
seriously. you might actually like it. and even if the dragons aren’t your thing, being interested in something she loves is a pretty good place to start.
1. accept it. better yet, encourage it.
there is nothing wrong with her liking a bit of smut here and there. or a lot of it, honestly. she’s allowed to enjoy a book because it’s romantic, because it’s filthy, because she likes the story, or because she wants to spend a few hours somewhere else.
and sometimes the part she’s losing her mind over isn’t even the sex. it’s everything leading up to it.
the tension. the yearning. the man who notices something small and remembers it. the way he shows up when she needs him. all that waiting for two people to finally admit what everyone else already knows.
that is a lot of what i love about romance. yes, give me the spice. but give me a reason to care about these two getting together, too.
also, reading about sex is hot. that can be the whole reason. she does not need to turn her reading into a relationship-building exercise to justify enjoying it.
ask her what she’s reading. let her explain why she loves it. listen when she starts talking about the characters like you already know them. you’ll catch up.
and please don’t make her the joke in front of your friends. if she’s sharing something she enjoys with you, being embarrassed about it shouldn’t be the price.
liking a fictional man doesn’t tell you what’s wrong with your relationship
a fictional boyfriend is a character in a book. enjoying him doesn’t automatically mean she’s unhappy with you, looking for someone else, or comparing every single thing you do to chapter thirty-two.
if you’re feeling insecure, you can say that. have an actual conversation. “i’m feeling a little weird about this” gives you somewhere to go. “why are you reading that?” with a look of disgust really doesn’t.
you don’t have to love the same books. i’m asking you to be kind about something she likes. that feels very doable.
2. pick up the book.
start with the one she keeps talking about. ask whether you need to read anything before it, because accidentally starting with book three is not the move.
read enough to meet the characters. find out why she cares about them. if you only flip straight to the sex scene, you might miss the hundred pages of tension that made her lose her mind over it.
you can read separately and talk afterward. read a chapter together. try the audiobook. there is no required couples book club format here.
and you’re allowed to have your own opinion. maybe you love it. maybe you think the man needs to calm down. maybe you end up arguing about the plot over dinner. at least now you understand what she’s talking about.
ask her what she likes about it
you do not need to deliver a literary analysis. try one of these:
- “what made this one your favorite?”
- “is it him, the tension, the story, or all of it?”
- “which part do you want me to read?”
- “is there anything in it you’d like us to talk about?”
maybe the answer is the attention. maybe it’s the flirting. maybe she likes the way he actually says what he wants. maybe she just thinks the scene is hot.
let her tell you. don’t decide for her.
a scene she enjoys reading is not automatically something she wants to do. ask before trying anything, and be just as comfortable hearing “no, i only like that in books.”
and please don’t make picking up her book a transaction. reading five chapters does not mean she owes you sex. the point is enjoying something together and giving each other room to talk.
don’t be weird about women enjoying things
there has been too much shame around women’s pleasure. you could be someone she feels comfortable being open with. someone who’s curious instead of judgmental. someone she can tell what she likes without wondering whether she’ll regret saying it.
maybe these books open up a conversation that brings you closer emotionally, sexually, physically, whatever that looks like for you two. maybe you just find a series you both love. i’m very much here for either.
plus, men who read are hot. my very personal, very unscientific finding.
your turn: have you picked up one of her books yet?
📊 reader poll
have you picked up one of her books yet?
vote to see the results.
if you have, tell me which book she handed you and how that went. i want to know.
on your way home, pick up the next book. and some flowers.
look at what she’s reading before you buy anything. check her shelf or wishlist, and check the format. if she collects matching paperbacks, the random hardcover may not be the one she wants.
if she’s reading about athletes, morally questionable men, or an entirely different world, here are three books i’d recommend for each. check her shelf first, obviously.
some links below are affiliate links. if you buy through them, i may earn a commission at no extra cost to you.
if she’s reading sports romance
the right move: ryan shay. the definition of a perfect book boyfriend.
say you swear: the way he waits for her. that’s what got me.
until i get you: a man who chases? fuck yes.
book previews
if she’s reading dark romance
phantom mine: one of my top-shelf reads. matteo, the yearning, and the way he loves valentina.
insatiable: this series destroyed me. start here, then keep going with the edge of darkness trilogy.
the predator: the start of one of my favorite mafia series. actual enemies, a man who barely speaks, and a mystery. have the reaper ready.
check the content notes before buying. these are darker reads, and knowing what she likes matters.
book previews
if she’s reading about dragons, fae, and fantasy romance
powerless: kai azer, the banter, and wanting someone you shouldn’t. one of my top-shelf picks.
quicksilver: fae, tension, and the chair scene. yes please.
onyx storm: my favorite of the empyrean series. the tension, the yearning, the anticipation. this is book three, so only grab it if she’s already read fourth wing and iron flame.
book previews
the flowers are still part of the plan, by the way.
a few questions you might still have
does reading smut mean my girlfriend is unhappy with me?
you can’t tell that from her reading list. ask her how she feels about your relationship.
do i have to read smut with her?
no. give it a try if you’re curious. you can support her interests without sharing all of them.
does she want to try everything she reads?
ask her. enjoying a fantasy and wanting it in real life are different things.
what book should i buy her?
the next one she wants, in the format she likes. check her wishlist or ask.
where to go next
want to understand what she means by slow burn, forced proximity, or enemies to lovers? start with the trope dictionary.
need help figuring out how much spice you actually want? here’s the spice guide. or browse the library together and pick something you’re both curious about.
accept it. encourage it. pick up the book. have a good time with it.
if i didn’t like it, it’s not coming to your inbox.
romance recommendations with actual opinions. what worked, who it’s for, and how spicy we’re talking.